On conversations I didn't have...

Post mid-week sneaky shower whilst little lady no2. is napping and little lady no1. is at nursery. I am considering again the state of my house and my heart.

During showering I was looking at the windows in the bathroom all splash marked, the slightly gungy bath toys, the few stray hairs on the floor. As I wandered downstairs in my towel to find my moisturizing lotion I could almost feel my emotional state lowering as I looked at all the toys and random items of clothing adorning the stairs, hallway floor and any other surface I generally think they shouldn't be. I reviewed my day in my head: took little lady no1. to nursery, came home gave little lady no2. her breakfast, gave little lady no2. her nap, continued knitting a baby blanket for an expecting friend, woke little lady no2. from her nap bundled her into her snowsuit and into her pushchair to catch the bus to her swimming lesson, took her swimming, took her to clinic, came home had my lunch, gave her her lunch, rang the garage to discuss our faulty car whilst jiggling little lady no2. on my hip, put her down for a nap, jumped in the shower.....

Hello unreasonable self here's a question: When amongst all of that- am I expected to clean, wash, sort or tidy anything!? And then as I was moisturizing I began imagining my husband walking through the door from work and I imagined all the judgments he might make about how I use my time by assessing the state of the house. Then I began to argue with him in my head.

Yes. I am apparently a crazy person.

I imagined myself justifying my day, explaining all the things I had done, how much effort I'd put into those things in order to excuse my self-imposed feelings of laziness. I am once again in default mode of "clean house; clean heart, good mum, good wife".

So firstly an apology:

Dear Husband,

I am sorry for all the conversations I have with you where you are not actually present. Forgive me for the times you have come home and found me in a bad mood. I was angry because we had had an argument but you didn't know about it!  It's quite unfair really. Next time I'll try and talk to the real you not the imaginary you....and I will try and be more patient, gentle, generous and loving in the way I talk to the real you. All my imaginary convos start from the premise that I am right and you are wrong and that you are not serving my needs as you should be. I am sorry for being so self-serving.

Love Holly 

Secondly a prayer,

Dear Lord,

Please help me to continue to trust in Jesus above all else (above a tidy house and even a good marriage) for my daily satisfaction. Please help me to refrain from those occasional imaginary conversations which benefit no-one and only serve to harden my heart towards those I love. Help me to see that mess is OK and help me to remember that mess in my house is more often than not a by-product of love, fun and friendship not for lack of effort to keep it tidy! 

Amen.

And Amen!